


Children

by AllisonMikaelson



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Jack's just mentioned in the last two or three paragraphs, Nothing explicit, References of Torture, and i swear it's better than I'm making it sound, but it kind of ties into the whole thing, sam reflecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 17:24:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20800178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllisonMikaelson/pseuds/AllisonMikaelson
Summary: I'm so tired, and I really need to stop writing when I'm exhausted. I rewrote some of this a few times so if it's not very good, I'm sorry. I think it's pretty okay though, and I really wanted to try this idea





	Children

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so tired, and I really need to stop writing when I'm exhausted. I rewrote some of this a few times so if it's not very good, I'm sorry. I think it's pretty okay though, and I really wanted to try this idea

Sam remembers how he used to want kids. It was never something he thought about too seriously. He never had any serious plan or imagined what they would be like or anything like that, but he had been hopeful for it once, thinking that it would happen someday with the woman he loved. He was so naive.

Okay, he wasn’t super naive. He’s known about the supernatural world since he was a child. He knew about monsters and killers and people who hunted them. He knew about his mother’s death at the hands of the demon. He learned how to kill a vampire instead of learning how to ride a bike. He learned what a werewolf was before he learned how to tie his shoes. He always knew more than most people.

But there was still so much he didn’t know, so many things he hadn’t experienced. When Sam was in college, he didn’t know the love of his life would die. He didn’t know he would blame himself for the rest of his life. He couldn’t have imagined meeting god or that he even had a sister, let alone meeting her too. He never would have imagined he would drink demon blood to get revenge, or willingly dive into Lucifer’s cage to save the world. Back then, he couldn’t have imagined 100 years of torture at the hands of the devil.

With everything he’s been through, Sam isn’t sure he can really take care of himself some days. He’s made so many mistakes, done so many things wrong. How could he take care of a child? How could he teach them what’s right when he’s done so much wrong. Sometimes, he doesn’t even trust himself. He can’t trust himself with a kid. 

Not to mention, his father was awful at being a parent, and Sam used to think he would never understand why he raised them the way he did. But when Jessica died, he jumped back into hunting just like John did. Sure, he didn’t have kids to take care of, but it proves that he’s more like his dad than he wants to admit. The last thing he ever wants is to bring the kind of emotional turmoil to a child that his father brought to him. 

There’s also his mother to think about it. She didn’t choose to be a bad parent, really. But she died. She died, and Sam knows that with the life he lives, it’s incredibly probable that he could die at any random moment. It wouldn’t be fair to burden another child with that experience. He doesn’t want anyone else have to deal with what he did.

So, Sam decided long ago that he didn’t want kids anymore. He gave up on the hope so long ago. Probably around the same time Jessica died, but he can’t pinpoint an exact moment in time. All he knows is that he lost that hope long ago, and there are way too many issues that Sam doesn’t know how to deal with, and he doesn’t want to dump that on a child.

The thing is, Jack is already in an awful situation. Sam can’t spare him any emotional turmoil. He can’t stop Jack from going through hard things. This kid is in an impossible situation already, and there’s no one alive that wants to help him. Looking at Jack, Sam wants to be that person. Jack may be in a twenty year old body, but he’s definitely a child. The helpless, scared look on his face makes Sam remember his own fear and helplessness. All he wants to do now is to help this kid. 

So, Sam decides, around twelve years after deciding against it, that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have a child. Maybe, just maybe, he can take care of Jack and give him a better life than he had. Maybe there is hope, to have a child and make the world a better place for him, make life easier for him. He hopes there is, but he has to try, even if it ends like Dean thinks it will. He won’t turn this poor kid away.

(When Jack dies, Sam’s heart breaks. He had really come to think of Jack as HIS son, and he doesn’t know how to keep living without the child. He was always afraid of dying and not being there for Jack, but he never imagined that Jack would die first. He was so powerful, and he was supposed to live forever. Sam was supposed to die first, even if he didn’t want to leave Jack alone. He can’t deal with this emptiness, this sadness that comes with losing his a child.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please like or leave a comment, if you don't mind.


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